Why The “Independent” Woman Will Never Have a Godly Marriage…

Many of my friends are dating, courting, getting engaged, and getting married; which is so exciting! I’m excited for wedding season, I’m ecstatic to see my friends so happy and so in-love! Love is such a beautiful thing.

However, I’m a little worried about something. I’m worried that we as women, will try to bring the passions of this world into our marriages (1 John 2:15-17).

Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, love for the Father is not in them. For everything in the world—the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life—comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and its desires pass away, but whoever does the will of God lives forever. (John 2:15-17)

You see, many of us grew up in a world and generation that was and still is very pro-independent woman. I’m afraid that independence can subconsciously become an idol that can hinder our future marriages.

My definition of an “Independent Woman” is:

 A woman whose primary focus in life is providing for herself and her own family with little to no regard for other people. She usually tries to shield herself from deep relationships with other people for fear of getting hurt.

Many of us remember the lyrics to Destiny Child’s “Independent Woman” right?

The shoes on my feet, I bought ’em, the clothes I’m wearing, I bought ’em, the rock I’m rockin, I bought it, cause I depend on me…”

What about the lyrics to Ne-yo’s song, “Miss Independent”…

Ooh there’s somethin about
kinda woman that can do for herself, I look at her and it makes me proud, There’s something about her Something oh so sexy about the kinda woman that don’t even need my help…”

Or what about Webbie’s song:

“I-n-d-e-p-e-n-d-e-n-t do you know what that mean, She got her own house, She got her own car
Two jobs work hard you a bad…

These were some of my favorite songs growing up. And I started to live my life with these songs as the sonund track. Unfortunately, I internalized these messages.

Independence was my motto.

I wanted to do everything for myself, and by myself. Nothing is wrong with wanting to provide for yourself. However, if that becomes your primary focus in life…you’ve probably made it an idol. 

The “independent woman” excuse, was a way for me to hide from people for fear of being hurt. You see, I’d been hurt a lot by people in the past, and I vowed to myself that I wouldn’t be vulnerable enough to be hurt again. Until, in stepped Evans (my now hubby).

The thing is…we cannot be in committed Christian relationships and be “Independent Women.” We need other believers who are a part of the church, and other believers need us to give of our gifts selflessly to the church (1 Corinthians 12:25-27).

Mark 12:31 says in summary, that we should love our neighbors as we love ourselves.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 gives us a list of the qualities of Love, stating that “love is not self-serving.”

Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. (Philippians 2:3)

These verses point to the fact that we are to be selfless in our lives, if we are walking with and serving under the lordship of Christ. Honestly, the “independent woman” is a selfish ideology. It focuses on self and self-fulfillment more than serving others. This is the problem, that it poses in marriage.

Godly marriage is not about us at all. It’s not about our pleasure, or what we can bring to the marriage, or whether we have our own car, house, rings, etc.

Godly marriage is centered on God first, and secondly we are to serve and submit to one another.

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. (Ephesians 5:21-25)

It is virtually impossible to have the mindset of an “independent woman” and respect and serve your husband as unto Christ Jesus. Likewise, it is impossible for a man to be an “independent man” and love and serve his wife as unto Christ Jesus.

Honestly, I’m writing from one woman to another, so I’ve focused this post on the independent woman.

I personally have had to submit this independent ideology to the Lord in prayer on many occasions. There are days where this ideology rises up and I have to tell it, “Satan get behind me!” Because I know it has the potential to destroy my Godly relationships.

If you are a woman who is married or is desiring to be married please don’t throw the “baby out with the bath water.”

I know living self-lessly seems counter-cultural, or backwards according to this world. But as Christian women we are called to be like Christ.

Let’s continue to  watch what ideas and ideologies creep into our hearts and minds so that we can one day have strong and healthy marriages okay? 

Thanks so much for reading!

Love you! And God loves you so much more!!

– Jeanette

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